Emperor of Dumbfuckistan
A Report on a Pilgrimage by a Certain Scholar
as told to a fellow scholar, Dr. Ray Healey¹
Written by Dr. Ray Healey
A certain scholar of my acquaintance recently made a pilgrimage to a sacred site in Thebes, where, in the 13th century, the empire of a mighty Tyrant once stood, a reign later immortalized by the poet Percy B. Shelley. Digging in the ruins, the scholar discovered an ancient scroll, on which appeared the following lines:
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and cryptic slabs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
half sunk, a shattered golden hairpiece lies, whose owner’s
pouting lips, and sneer of cold contempt,
Tell that its maker well those passions read,
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The mouth that mocked us, and the heart of stone:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is Trumpymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and levels sands stretch far away.
The scholar also reportedly found, in the same manuscript, the following inscription:
“The hieroglyphics on the two slabs of stone appear to represent the texts of ancient recipes for soup, which were cooked and served in the wicked old days of the ruler of Dumbfuckistan, Emperor Dumbfuck.”
The scholar has translated these hieroglyphics and they reveal the texts of the recipes on the slabs, as follows.
Slab One: Trumpymandias’s Alphabet Soup
A is for Asshole.
B is for Bigot.
C is for Charlatan.