An Address to the Annual Covention of the Quack Doctors of America

Dr. Ray Healey
7 min readMay 24, 2021

Prescription: Tell Your Patients to Act like Zeus.

Zeus Fucks Queen Leda on the balcony of her palace in Sparta.
Zeus Fucks Queen Leda: Take Two. Italian Sculpture at the Jai Vilas Palace, in Gwalior, India.

[In full disclosure, I submitted this piece at the end of April 2021 to the 2021 Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge, a comedy competition run through Medium.com. There were 482 submissions at the required 800-word length. I did not get past the first round, even though, to my mind, my piece was really fuckin’ funny — and in my view the 10 finalists were not as funny. You can be the judge because at the end of my piece I have included links to the Top 10 picked. After you read my piece, perhaps you will let me know whether I made your Top 10.]

I am dedicating this story to my old friend, Prof. Drew Huebner of the Hostos CC English Dept., who played Zeus in my first production of “A Night with The Great Odysseus: Sacker of Cities.” It was an epic performance.

By: Dr. Ray Healey

Ladies and gentlemen, and distinguished doctors — I’m Dr. Feelgood, and my job is to make you feel good.

How? I help you score drugs.

You see, I have the magic John Hancock.

Since I attended medical school for four years, I can write any prescription under the sun. Bummed out? I’ve got sweet amphetamines. Too wired? I’ve got “Belladonna.” OxyCountout? I don’t recommend it, it’s a fast track to heroin — but, I’ll sign your scrip.

Since weed is legal, I can write you up a nice buzz.

How about a nice buzz?

Magic Mushrooms? I’m your Doc.

Magic Mushrooms —A Whole New World.

Now that we know each other better, I’ll pivot to my address today.

“Quack Medicines and the Quacking Quacks who Peddle Them on TV.”

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Dr. Ray Healey

English Lit. Professor. Novelist and short story writer. Adventurer: Pamplona Bull Running, Boston Marathon, "Deliverance" River Running, Cross Country Bike,…